Disclaimer

Perhaps this has happened to you. You have taken a test for some class, and even though the test is now over you still seem to remember much of the material you studied. It is like the stuff is stuck in your brain. You know, like a song that you never liked but you keep hearing in your head. This condition is called Stubborn Memory Syndrome and can normally be treated with alcohol or by watching a few hours of TV. If symptoms persist a combination therapy is recommended.

It has been estimated that 20% of college students pick a major that interests them, for which they have some aptitude, and then stick with it until they earn their degrees. Education specialists have begun referring to this phenomenon as Common Sense Syndrome. There is no known cure, but the condition seems to be in decline. This decline may be associated with the increased consumption of junk food, but more research is needed.

Have you ever run into someone who talks about topics that their professors introduced in class? Annoying, isn't it? Most of you know that what goes on in the classroom should stay in the classroom. Outside of class it is best to talk about one's favorite TV shows, or clothes, or sports, or the mysteries of the opposite sex. The condition described above is known as Connectivitis. (Its victims make connections between the classroom and the outside world.) Loud music, especially of the heavy metal variety, has proven effective in initial clinical trials.

Every semester, or so it seems, a few students begin to take their studies seriously. They pore over their books and notes for hours every day. They go to practically every class! This condition, thankfully rare, has been dubbed Einsteinitis. There is no known cure or treatment, and some studies suggest that it may be contagious. Thus, it is best to avoid these poor lost ones. Do not befriend them or include them in your social circles. To protect yourself you may want to call them names like egghead or nerd. Be aware and be safe!

Most students know that it is best to be agreeable. Thus, in classroom discussions they say what they think the professor (or graduate assistant) wants to hear. And who would be foolish enough to write a paper arguing that their textbook's point of view is wrong or in some way biased? Yet, a handful of students do engage in just such behaviors. This condition is called Independent Thinkers Syndrome. Our government has developed a plethora of psychoactive compounds to neutralize this condition. But, in order to induce Independent Thinkers to self-medicate, these drugs have been declared illegal.

Once you learn to spot the warning signs you should be able to have a fun and safe college experience. Good luck and have a nice day!